02-07-25

It's finally 2026!

I don't want to be all depressing but I didn't think I would make it this far. So much has happened to me in 2025 and it has been the most difficult year of my life. So, I wanted to take a moment to reflect on everything that happened to me.

To start off on a light note, I created this website! Summer was pretty boring and I ended up watching a YouTube video about indie websites. Oh how that changed everything. I never thought of creating one myself before or that there was a community out there! I spent weeks on refreshing my memory on some basic HTML and CSS fundamentals. It took a lot of tweaking to find my voice and expression, but I love what I have so far! I'm still very much a newbie at this, so I'm excited what changes happen this year!

I also became a pet owner to three silly cats: Mamas, Choco, and Pingüino. Mamas, who was a street cat that lived in our backyard, became pregnant. She gave birth to three beautiful kittnes: Choco, Flan, and Pingüino. As they continued to grow and live in our backyard, one day, flan went missing. I was so devastated. After that day, we took in Mamas and her two kittens inside. Since then, they have become part of our family and I can't image my life without them.

I also finished my fourth and fifth semester of college. I struggled so much those two semesters. I got my first C's and I failed my first class. Throughout my whole life, my identity has always revolved around my intelligence, so this really was a punch in my pride and who I am as a being. I really lost myself. I felt I didn't belong anywhere and I wasn't meant for this. My vast feeling of loneliness affected my academics and how I interacted with those around me. I knew this couldn't continue or I was going to drown.

So, I started therapy. I had previously been to a few short meeting during my first year and second year. It wasn't until around October that I regularly went to sessions. Honestly, it really helped me discuss my feelings of loneliness and encouraged me to take steps in overcoming my fears and anxieties. I participated in club activities I was scared to do and reached out to people rather than waiting for them to reach out. While not all attempts were successful, I dealt with it better than I would have months ago. I think I would have gone into the deep end if it weren't for these meetings.

Although I feel defeated about my failed class, I don't want to give up. I don't want to lose hope yet. As long as I have the chance, I want to continue as far as I can go. I had never struggled with academics or having a community, so I cried a lot in my dorm. There were many days where I couldn't get out of bed. There were times I wanted to run away from it all. I didn't want to face these overwhelming feelings. However, talking in therapy, I slowly opened up that bottle before it blew up in my face. I cried realizing truths I didn't want to face. Although I've fallen so far down, I want to hike up that path again. I want to keep going up and recognize the mistakes I made. This path is going to be grueling and will require so much discipline. I know this, but as long as that path continues to exist, I will drag my feet to make it to the other end.

With that said, I want to make some goals for the year. I will post them on my homepage and around my living areas so I can always see it.

For my long term goals:

Retake my failed class and pass it.
Luckily, I was 4 credits ahead, so credit wise, I'm on track. Since I have already taken this class once, I know what's to come. I know what didn't work, such as working alone or in my dorm, so I will work in public places, reach out to classmates to find a work group, and go to OH or TA hours at least once a week. If I feel like falling behind, I will reach out for help and won't drown alone. I know now that I can't do it all alone. If I remember all this and not lose my cool, I know I can come out of this.
Stretch every day and walk 10k steps three times a week.
Part of way I was so depressed and so lonely, I never went out and took care of myself. Instead, I would degrade myself and make myself feel worse. Obviously, that didn't work and just made things worst, so I am now going to try to do activities that don't require a textbook and a screen in front of my face. I think these will help clear my head more.
Journal once a week.
I want to write about things more. Although some are about my feelings and personal hardships, I also want to write about things I learn about, such as a new language, a new hobby, characters in media, etc. I want to be creative again. Maybe journaling will help me find my spark again. Also, I want to write short entries every few days.
Read more novels and manga.
I actually read about 19 mangas in 2025, so I hope to read more shorter series like that this year! However, I lacked in novels. I only read ERHA vol 1. So for 2026, I want to finish reading all the volumes of ERHA, listen to the Hunger Games series, and read one other book. I don't want to be too ambitious with novels since I haven't read a full one since high school. ERHA is pretty long so I want to take my time on it. I have watched the Hunger Games movies, but I never read the books, so to prepare for the upcoming movie, I want to listen to all the audiobooks.
Work on three personal projects.
Because I have been so depressed, I let it take over my life. I hid inside and on social media from my problems. Just thinking about doing anything related to coding or math had me frozen in fear that I would fail. Even with that, I still failed. I could berate myself here, but that isn't helpful and won't change what happened. Moving foward, I plan to focus on a few passion projects. One project I want to do is the Unity Course on LinkedIn. It will be nice to have some practice in game development. Another project I want to do is emulate a gameboy, specifically focusing on graphics. I've always been intrigued by computer graphics, so I thought this would be a nice way to learn on my own. My third personal project is to continue working on my pixel sorter I created for a class project. I want to tweak some settings to make it look more pleasing.
Be more sociable. I want to reach out to my friends and family more. I closed myself off for so many years that I want to change that. I want to people to think of me and I want to think about them too. I have always waited for people to reach out to me in fear I would be bothering them, but I can't do that anymore. I have to put myself out there. I want to join a club and talk to others. Learn about other people's interests

To complete these goals, I will create short goals each month. Each goal will build off the last month's progress. I will set these goals up and reflect on the month in the last week of month. I think I'll keep my progress mostly private in a handwritten journal, but I will love to share some of it here!

Whoever is reading this and may relate to this in some way, just know it's never to late. I choose to keep believing in hope. I know a day will come where I finally feel at peace and proud of how far I have made it. I choose to believe a day like that is coming.