28-09-25

Note: This is more of a rant about my personal life, so please withhold judgement. I just wanted to spill my thoughts and feelings.

As I get settle in for my junior year of college, I can't help but feel anxious about my family's situation. My siblings' relationship with my parents can get very rocky at times. One of the main reasons I left out of state for college was to create a boundary between myself and my parents. I didn't want to constantly argue with them about how I'm choosing to go about my college experience. I also felt too dependent on them, so I wanted a chance to prove myself and gain more confidence in my abilities.

I haven't been keeping in contact with my family as often because classes have been picking up on the workload. However, I did have the chance to talk to my mom the other day. I ended up learning that my sister and my mom had a huge fight. My sister is older than me and wants to be more independent, such as staying over her boyfriend's house. My parents come from a small town in Mexico, so they aren't very accepting of norms like that. Things were said and posted and it just blow up into a whole thing. I texted my sister for her side of the story and she explained it and I agreed. I tried to explain to my mom my sister's side of things and my sister her side of things. I don't know if they will ever understand each other. They just don't see eye to eye and I don't want to see them to break apart.

My sister ended up revealing to me that she plans on moving out in November with her boyfriend. My heart dropped. She says she can't take it anymore and needs to leave. Deep down, I understand. I know if my sister is given the space she needs to grow up, their relationship can improve. I know this, but that means my sister is leaving me.

Something I would never tell her is that she is the closest person I consider in my life. Although I'm not someone she confines in everything, I know we can trust each other. Honestly, ever since she started dating him, I felt lonelier. Before, we would always be in our room and talk about our similar interests and would just be in each other's company. After she started dating him, I can hardly talk to her because they would always be on the phone with one another. When I left for college, I couldn't call her because her freetime was always with him. Honestly, I disliked him for the longest time. I felt she was slipping away from me as I stood still. She was moving on and I'm stuck.

As someone who's aroace, I can't help that I will be left alone. People will always prioritize their romantic partner and I will be left behind. It didn't really hit me until I saw my sister in a relationship. I didn't want to be seen too attached or dependent so I hid all my anxiety and fears deep in my heart. But hearing her move out, I cried. Everything surfaced. I cried because I won't see her in our room at the end of the day. I won't talk to her everyday. I didn't know that this summer was the last time I would actively be in her life. She will distance herself from the family and spend time with his family and friends. She'll distance herself from me. We already hardly talk, now it'll be even more rarely.

Also, since she takes care of the cats, I won't see them anymore. I hate it. I didn't want to become attached to the cats, but I did. She could only take Mamas, but the others cats are so bonded to her and one another. How can we seperate them? Also, my parents aren't the ones financially responsible for them. I can't afford to take care of them. When I go home, I'll be coming home to an empty room. To empty spaces where the cats used to be.

I have my parents and brothers at home, but we aren't as close. I've lived with my sister my whole life. We shared a room. We had nightly talks with one another. You never really know when it's the last time.

I guess it's time I move on too. We aren't tweens anymore. I hope she finds happiness in her new life, even if I won't be a bigger part anymore.