30-10-25

Recently, I've been struggling a lot mentally and didn't really know how to process it all. I would have never thought the manga I recently finished, “Ikoku Nikki,” would help me through it. Ikoku Nikki focuses on the relationship between Makio, a 35 year old women, and her neice, Asa, a 15 year old girl, who she decided to in after her parent's death. I started reading this in beginning of the semester after I someone on Twitter recommended it. At first, I would read a chapter every few weeks, but this past 2 weeks, I really got into it.

One of my favorite quotes is what Makio told Asa: “your feelings belong to you and I can't make you change them, no matter what I do.” Makio had previously told Asa this, but I don't think I quite understood what that meant until this chapter. Asa was struggling about how she felt about her parent's death and Makio reassured her that whatever she feels is alright. She didn't owe anyone her feelings and they didn't get to judge how she feels about anything.

The concept of my feelings belonging to me was new. I always try to downplay my own frustrations, anger, and saddness because I felt like I didn't deserve to feel that way. Like my situation isn't worth these strong emotions. Since I wasn't struggling exactly like that person, my feelings weren't valid. Reading that I don't owe anyone how I feel about a situation gave me a sense of relief I didn't know I needed. These are my feelings and you don't get to judge me for it.

Another moment that hit me really hard was when Asa confined in Makio that she felt lonely. Although Asa had friends in school, there was a solitude her parents left her. Being by herself reminds her that she had lost her family, her pack. In a way, I related to Asa's loneliness. While I still talk to my friends time to time, or talk to my family, as I enter the early years of adulthood, I can't help but feel lonely. I could try to tell myself it doesn't bother me to see friend groups sit together around campus, but it does. I could try to pretend that I'm okay with the fact that my siblings are going to start families of their own soon and leave me, but it breaks my heart. I could pretend I am okay with the loneliness that will come with adulthood, but I'm not.

I felt embarrassed of how I much I craved companionship. I felt like the type of relationship I desired from people was too much and I'm not normal for wanting more than casual calls and hang outs. But when Makio accepted Asa's loneliness although she couldn't understand it, it tug on my heart and what made me love this moment. Makio doesn't "fix" Asa's feelings, in fact, she even stated that it's not something that she can't do anything about. Instead, she accepts it. I think that's what Asa needed in that moment. Both have feelings the other can't grasp, but accept it anyways. Like Makio said, “We're different people.” Maybe other people in my position wouldn't feel as lonely, but they don't get to judge how I feel. Maybe my friends or family can't understand this loneliness I feel but if they can accept it, accept me, then I think that's okay.

However, for someone to accept these feelings, I need to be open about them, which is something I can't do. I used to say I liked that people found me mysterious, but it was because I was afraid that they wouldn't accept the real me. If they never know me, they can't reject me. I'm scared of being alone, but even more scared of being alone not by choice. This brings me to Asa's best friend, Emiri. She struggled with her sexuality and how others would perceive her. When she finally told Asa she was a lesbian, Asa's first reaction was to say that she supported her and she how she was proud to have a friend 'like that'. This upset Emiri because she didn't want to be seen different because of her sexuality. “I want to be me. I just wanna be the me I want to be.” In a way, I related to this part because I also struggled with my sexuality and how others would precieve me. I am aromantic asexual. I don't want them to feel pity that I can't “love”. I don't want people to tell me that I'll find the one. I don't want any of that. Also, it's not like I can't love, I love so much. I love my family, I love my friends, I love my pets, I love stories, I love so many things. I don't need people to understand this feeling, but I want them to accept it. I want to feel accepted.

These were my thoughts after reading it but there are so many more things that were discussed that I didn't touch upon here! It's such a well written story about a group of young women navigating their life and relationships with one another. I can not recommend this manga enough. I promise there is something for everyone! Also, an anime is going to air in 2026 so I really hope it gets more people to read it! Will probably update the layout later but I wanted to post this now.